The battle continues....

This IVF cycle has been nothing but issues. Fluid in the uterus - they it goes away. Yay! E2 drops - then it shots back up and they tell me to trigger - yay! I had 11 follicles over 10mm. So I was expecting at least that - hoping for 15. Last time I had 16 above 10mm and got 21. So again, my expectations were there.

This morning was my retrieval. Last night, I started throwing up. I thought I was catching the flu. Luckily, it was just once, and I slept for a few hours. At 9:30 I ate some soup - since after midnight, I wasn't allowed food or water. I was up at 5am, and felt better. Another crisis averted!

I was fine for the retrieval. Felt good - better than last time - which I knew was because I had less follicles. No big deal, right? I'd get at least 10!

Yea, another issue. They only got 6 eggs. He told me when I woke up and my response was, "6???!!!?? That's it???!!?" He said yes, and I immediately started to cry. I'm pretty sure all the nurses felt bad and didn't know what to say to me. Anthony tried to calm me down as best he can. The RE came back in to talk to me and asked what was wrong. I said I wasn't happy with my egg count and expected more. He held up one finger. He said it only takes one, sweety. And yes, I know this, but last time we got 21 and they didn't fertilize and stopped developing. I told him I didn't think I was strong enough to do it ALL again for a 3rd time if it fails. He told me that he transfered an embryo into a friend that was their ONLY embryo that they had, and it was a sucky grade and looked like it wouldn't never work. He transferred it anyways - and they got pregnant. Yes, I know that it happens - but do these things really happen to me?!? !

The anesthesiologist, bless her heart (she's like 75 years old), also came to calm me down. She rubbed my back and had me take some deep breaths. I did eventually calm down. But all the nurses came in looking at me with sad eyes. Poor broken, infertile Lindsay.

Next issue they found - the RE asked if I had endometreosis. I replied that I had mild endo and it was removed last July with laparoscopic surgery. He asked if it was on the left side - and I said yes. He then told me it is back. WTF??!?! My RE (this was a different RE in the practice) said that it had grown back. I'm not sure what this means. He said it was a little bit - but maybe this affected why that side didn't have as many eggs. Please don't tell me that I need to have another laparoscopic surgery?! The first just plain SUCKED! Wouldn't they have found this on the saline sono? Or maybe it was in my tubes and the sono only checks the uterus? My RE did the retrieval last month - why didn't he mention it or see it? I'm just so confused and sick of bad news.

So it's a super hot day today. Sun shining (even though it's super muggy) and I am stuck inside. I took a nap and woke up with some painful cramps. I took tylonol. I hate being stuck inside. I did sit in the sun for a little bit to try to get a healthy dose of vitamin D and cheer myself up.

So now I wait....I have to call the embryologist between 9 and 11 tomorrow. I'm terrified. I do NOT want bad news. But realistically, not all 6 will be mature - not all that are mature will fertilize - and not all that fertilize will divide. I just hope that I have some for Tuesday. I will try to be a "Positive Polly" and think that they are stronger this time because I was on DHEA longer, they are doing ICSI (single sperm injections) on all of the eggs, they weren't cramped by a lot of eggs so they could be better quality, and I didn't take hot bubble baths to boil my eggs.

So I will update later this weekend, hopefully with a good fertilization report and good news. I just can't take any more issues or bad news. I've had my fill for a lifetime.

I want a baby so freaking bad, but I can't help to think that I cannot do this any longer. IVF was supposed to work. It was my ticket to my dream. Is my dream not meant to be? Am I not meant to be a mother? Is God or a higher power trying to tell me something with all this bad news? If it doesn't work this time - I will be able to take a rest cycle from June/July. They close for inspection and cleaning for 1 month (mid month to mid month). Maybe after a rest I will feel differently. But right now, infertility is winning my battle.