Half way there.

I am on stim day #6. I usually trigger on day 10, so I have a few more days. I'm already super uncomfortable and clearly remember why I didn't want to do this again. As of today, I have 9 follicles over 10mm, and 15 under 10mm. My E2 is 1,228, and looking good. Only a few more days of blood work and maybe a could more ultrasounds, and I'll be good to trigger.

I should have hope and positive energy, but I've used it all up. I am afraid I will have none to transfer with doing a 5 day transfer. We already know my eggs are bad.......they just have to make it :(

I keep asking myself if it is worth it. I know it is....but I don't know if I can do donor eggs. I have a ton of negative feelings and not sure if I can shake them. Of course all of the feelings are normal feelings to go through - but seriously....what if I resent the baby because it isn't mine? That's if it even works with donor eggs. With no baby, I can sleep in....I can go on vacations at the drop of the hat....but I can't live with the pain and yearning of wanting a baby. I'm such an emotional wreck right now. I don't even know what is up or down.

I'm highly pissed off that we may have to spend so much of our savings just to conceive a baby. That doesn't include paying for the baby once it's here. I'm resentful that we can't do normal things because of my infertility. I want to re-do my kitchen. Nope...kitchen money goes to donor egg fund. I want to go to dinner with my husband...nope...watching our spending for donor eggs. I want to go to Florida when school is out...nope....what if our donor would be ready?

This all just sucks and is so unfair. I want to be normal. I'm not who I used to be. This has changed me so much. I found this on pinterest....it pretty much sums up my thinking.....