I want my life back

It's been several months since I last wrote. We tried our 4th IVF, and it failed. They implanted three embryos. We were trying to get to a blast transfer, and never made it.

Through all the failed IVFs and FET, I had them look for a pattern of my embryos. Apparently, my embryos stop developing after day 3. They NEVER have reached morula (about 32 cells). My embryos have never gotten past 10 cells. There is no reason (beyond genetics) as to why my embryos don't develop. The main reason is my eggs. My eggs are bad...terrible actually. They are always very small and misshapen...and sometimes jaggy. No wonder the sperm doesn't want to go near them.

The last IVF was hard. I was so sick of poking myself with needles. The pelvic pressure was so much to deal with and I had a hard time with it. I said I never wanted to do it again, and I really meant it. I figured that out recently.

I decided to get a second opinion at another local RE. They gave me some optimism, but quickly it diminished. The financial lady said I wasn't covered for IVF and wouldn't let me do my cycle. She called the insurance company and caused a lot of problems. They retracted payment. Luckily, it wasn't for ALL of the IVF cycle, just the fertilization of the embryo. I have a letter from the insurance company saying that it is covered, so I'm fighting with the insurance company so I don't have to pay the $4,000 back. I called them Indian givers on the phone. How can they retract something that they paid for FOUR times??? And the first one was a year prior to the retraction. It's not my fault you covered it and paid for it. If it didn't go through the first time, then we wouldn't have done IVF that many times. We did it because most of it was covered. So basically it's the second opinion's financial office that caused all this trouble. So, we can no longer do IVF. Maybe this was a blessing in disguise stopping me from doing it a 5th time.

I have been having a tough time. Some days are okay, some days are incredibly not. I used to love babies. I wanted to be around them and hold them ALL the time. I'd run over to family/friends that had a baby and immediately take the baby. Now, I stay away from them. I don't even want to hold them. I went on vacation to Florida in March with my cousin to get away. My aunt's niece just had a baby and was coming over for a family birthday party for my cousin. As soon as she came, I had to go outside and started crying. I didn't want to cry, but it just happened. Since then, I just try to stay away from babies. It hurts just too much.

I feel like this infertility journey has changed me. I'm not the same happy person I used to be. I'm bruised, I'm damaged, I'm hurt, I'm bitter, I'm BROKEN. I feel like my life isn't what it should be. I don't like to be around people I used to be around. I don't know how to change this.

We had decided to adopt. I was okay with the decision, and so was Anthony. But when I talked to him the other day, he was leaning more toward donor egg, because at least he can be the father, and then he'd have an easier time "passing down the family name." I wasn't comfortable with donor eggs, but at least I'd be able to be pregnant. But through talking with him, we realized that it's not just a decision one way or the other. It's a financial decision. Anthony said he was more comfortable with adoption. I thought it was because the baby would be neither of ours. However, that's not true. It's truly a financial decision. Truth is, adoption would give us the best chance to actually get a baby. We could pay the 14,000 for donor eggs, but then maybe they don't implant (how am I to know I can actually implant an embryo.....it's never happened...will "good" eggs make sure it does, or do I have an underlying implantation problem??). If they don't implant, it is basically a waste of 14,000. Adoption is 21,000. We do not have an endless supply of money. I'd love to try donor eggs and then adoption as a last chance, but it's not an option. It's an either or. And, it hurts.

Do I really want to go through all of this just for a baby? Maybe I am okay with just me and Anthony. We make a good team. I like being able to do what we want...I like to sleep in.......but I am just so sad. I just don't know what to do with myself. It's such a huge decision to make. I wish money wasn't a factor, but it is.

And no one understands how I feel. I feel like everyone is moving on with their lives and I am stuck in the same damn place with no change in sight. My friends are on their second and third child. And me....I'm still here...never been pregnant. I hate that people have to watch what they say to me, or what they tell me. It hurts. It hurts that I can't do things that would be fun because I'd be around a pregnant person, or be with all their kids.

People say, just adopt....try donor eggs. ...foster a child......do international adoption. Yea, like it's that simple. It's not that damn simple. I do not want to adopt a child that isn't an infant. I do not want a child that is international. I want a baby that would at least look like it belonged. Would we consider these at a later time after more research? Absolutely. But I do not want to adopt a baby that is a different race and have the child suffer because I am not familiar with their ethnicity or race. Or how to do their hair. I feel that we are not in a very diverse area at this time. Yes, I want a baby, but the things people say to me about it is so cruel...even family. It is not that I am being picky. I am keeping the child's best interest at heart. So...I become a hermit instead. I keep my feelings inside. I don't talk about it because it's so much easier than letting them know the truth. I've distanced myself from everyone...even my family. I want my old life back. I want to be happy again. I want my life back. 

I feel so alone.