How to give up

How do you give up on something that you've waited your whole life for?

I wish I knew the key to this. However, I am not ready to give up. Each failed cycle, I am ready to give up, but after going through the motions, I am just not ready to give up on my body.

With that being said, I have my 4th WTF appointment with my RE. I wrote down a whole list of questions and tests that I should have done. My appointment went well, and I didn't leave pissed off, and I didn't cry. YAY me!

My RE said that some of my requests he would not honor because their isn't enough research on it (ie. intralipid infusions). He did agree to test for the Natural Killer cells. If the test comes back bad, I will revisit it, but was okay with him saying no. He is convinced it is an egg/embryo problem and not an implantation, body attacking problem. I am also testing my vitamin D level because I have thyroid problems. He wanted to do a repeat HSG to flush out my tubes (I always have fluid) and make sure nothing is growing on them.

I had that done yesterday, and it was fine. I also agreed to participate in a study for infertility. I answered some questions and they took some blood. I got $25 for it. Good deal!

I went to go to work today, and I ended up throwing up in the car...while driving....It came out of nowhere pretty much, and I didn't have time to pull over. Solution? Dump out lunchbox and use it. I walked into the building - threw up some more - and called the office to get me a sub and that I was going home. So I have been laid up on the couch all day. Yuck! Of course I don't have many sick days left, and was off yesterday for my HSG. Figures. Hopefully it passes quickly, because I have to go tomorrow.

I got a new job. I had been laid off at the end of last teaching year. I had a long term position teaching Kindergarten - which I LOVED! I'm very happy to be hired back, but it's a HUGE change. I am now teaching 8th Grade reading. I am not used to the laziness or attitudes, so it's crazy. And I working day by day to make things for them to do and read and analyze the stories that we are reading. It's a lot and extra stress, which I could do without.

So what's the plan now?

I am going to do IVF again in January. Yes, I know..I said never again. This COULD be the last though. We are going to do a 5 day transfer this time. The only problem is that my embryos have NEVER made it past 3 days. I guess this is my way of accepting my body sucks. If they can't grow to day 5, then they will never work, and it's pointless to put my body through it. With that being said, we will try in January and then revisit donor eggs. Adoption seems to be out since they aren't accepting families and the lawyer wants a shit ton of money just to talk to me. So, IVF it is.

I have to let my new principal that I will be late to work and/or need to take several 1/2 days off. I HATE explaining this to people and trying to stay vague. And it's a man, so it's more uncomfortable for me. I did look into FMLA, but I have to use all my sick days first. But, I can at least do the paperwork so that I have it.

I have been very unhappy with myself and my life lately....very down in the dumps. Thanks to all my BBC friends who always let me vent. It's a hard road to go down, and even harder to go through it alone - or around people who don't understand. I don't know what I'd do without their support.